The Kraggonomicon - Welcome to Farmville, Population: You're An Idiot

[modeps]

http://evavhost.com/i/news/kraggo.jpg

Welcome to The Kraggonomicon. Podcast contributor Kragg has offered to provide some humorous gaming related content to Evil Avatar on a bi-weekly basis. Here's the first entry. Enjoy! ~modeps

Welcome to Farmville, Population: You're An Idiot

Casual gaming really took a strong footing in 2009. While Nintendo was rejoicing over market domination and the fact that your grandmother didn't file suit when she broke her hip playing Wii Bowling, an insidious force was stirring on the horizon. This force is more irritating than Nancy Grace, credit card solicitations, and High School Musical 2 combined.

I'm talking about Farmville. Creator and hell-spawn Mark Pincus at Zynga software unleashed this evil onto the world, capturing the imagination of morons everywhere and effectively creating the most annoying thing on Facebook since they released Mafia Wars. So in service of the greater good, I'm going to explain a few things that might help educate you about this awful application and prevent you from using it.

First, you might think it's fun to let people know that you've planted some strawberries or acorn squash on your farm. Well guess what? I already have to deal with status updates about what people ate for breakfast, people signing up for a 26th Twilight fan page, and twice recycled garbage from Twitter. My browser simply doesn't have the real estate left to afford listing that you found a sad cow. Maybe your co-worker in the next cubicle gets excited about it, but she's also in love with her new Tigger coffee mug.

Second, FarmVille is a data mining application. To be clear, it is SPYING ON YOU. Zynga admits this, and yet more and more devil farms keep popping into existence. I'm not sure what data they could possibly be collecting, but I'm guessing it's similar to this.

Zynga employee 1: "Sir, we've made a shocking discovery while reviewing the FarmVille data! It seems that amongst a rough sample of users that the number of times they've been laid this month is inversely proportional to the number of lonely piggies they found!"

Zynga employee 2: "I knew there was a correlation! And they said I was crazy. Quickly, to the Zyngamobile!!!"

If verbally assaulting your sex life isn't an effective deterrent, here are a few more facts about what playing Farmville does, or may do to you in the near future.


Farmville is the reason your mother cries in the bathroom every night, lamenting her child's poor life choices.
Farmville is plotting to kill your family pet. If you don't own a pet Farmville is planning to take a dump under your couch cushions.
Farmville hasn't gotten your sister pregnant yet, but it will. Soon.

Perhaps the worst part about this whole scenario is that Farmville is multiplying. Like gremlins in a swimming pool, this thing is creating bastard offspring at an alarming rate. "FishVille", "YoVille", "DoucheVille", "GoF*ckYourselfVille", and many others. This has to stop, and the only way to do so is to not play these games.

So if you partake in casual games, do everyone on Facebook a favor, play BeJeweled Blitz so we don't have to hide you. Or better yet, get the hell off of Facebook and play Peggle. Because Peggle isn't a horribly addictive waste of time or anything, plus everyone loves a cartoon lobster...

[Syl]

There is this amazing ability on facebook to "block all notifications from this application".

I'm quite fond of it.

[pwnophobia]

I hid the Farmville shit as soon as it started popping up yet people still update their statuses (specifically my grandmother who got hid as soon as I realized thats all she used the update for) with: "HELP, NEED COW IN FARMVILLE!"

[mrbrick]

Facebook is ok game.

[Redline]

Please stop posting these. You're embarassing yourself.

[antinous165]

Here is a interesting piece done by the Rachel Maddow show concerning the data mining aspects of these games. Mafia Wars get the most play, but I am sure any social game is susceptable to these nefarious shenanigans. They do call OMGpop.com a gaming web-site so one strike against them, but it is an interesting piece.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26315908/#34387500

[Shela Monster]

I'm all for posting opinions, trust me, been there, pissed those crowds off...

But I think you'll find if I gave you a nickel for every person who plays "----ville" vice a dollar for those who don't or hate it, you'd be buried in shiny things, with little paper on top.

Point is, to express yourself, be sure the armada is behind you, not facing you.

I hate it just as much as anyone else, and I get enough invites to hire a whole fucking country of me.
But I learn to ignore it or block it, otherwise I'd /rage all the time.

~Shela Monster

[Meusli]

I liked the article, very enjoyable. Thanks.

[modeps]

It's meant to be primarily a funny article folks, I think we all know that we can block apps on facebook.

[Kragg]

I'm all for posting opinions, trust me, been there, pissed those crowds off...

But I think you'll find if I gave you a nickel for every person who plays "----ville" vice a dollar for those who don't or hate it, you'd be buried in shiny things, with little paper on top.

Point is, to express yourself, be sure the armada is behind you, not facing you.

I hate it just as much as anyone else, and I get enough invites to hire a whole fucking country of me.
But I learn to ignore it or block it, otherwise I'd /rage all the time.

~Shela Monster

I like it when the armada is facing me, I call that good odds. :)

Like you and Syl pointed out, there's a block feature, but that would kind of spoil the joke.

[Anenome]

Great article, I agree completely, annoys the hells out of me.

One time I saw a friend of a friend's page... he was unemployed, looking for work, had his resume on his facebook page, and--get this--featured prominently next to his work experience was his award for reaching like level 200 in Mafia Wars.

People just don't understand that these apps have access to your friends and info, that they data mine and are not cool customers, and also that they try to get you to spend money on virtual property that can't even be labeled DLC by an reasonable standard. Buy a tractor, $5! Really? A tractor? WTF.

Friends don't let friends play Facebook games. Or, at least we scoff at them openly until they stop :P

[Kragg]

Here is a interesting piece done by the Rachel Maddow show concerning the data mining aspects of these games. Mafia Wars get the most play, but I am sure any social game is susceptable to these nefarious shenanigans. They do call OMGpop.com a gaming web-site so one strike against them, but it is an interesting piece.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26315908/#34387500

Just watched the Maddow piece. I was aware of some of the data mining practices, but not any political steering behind it. Interesting to see the social engineering at play behind these things.

I learned something today!

[blackzc]

This just in, TV will rot your brain.

I get that this is supposed to funny, but satire is dead to me, im to old to give a shit.

[Reverend Meta]

Kragg, will you be my neighbor in GoF*ckyourselfVille?

[Kragg]

It's meant to be primarily a funny article folks, I think we all know that we can block apps on facebook.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v203/bld3613/seriousbusiness.jpg

[Emabulator]

Thank you for reminding me why I avoid social networking sites.

[Shela Monster]

I like it when the armada is facing me, I call that good odds. :)

Like you and Syl pointed out, there's a block feature, but that would kind of spoil the joke.
Trust me my friend, I think it's funny!
I'm in no way offended, and I find "You know what really grinds my gears?" to be pretty on point about most things...

But there are these:
Please stop posting these. You're embarassing yourself.

I WANT TO PROTECT YOU KRAGG!
We wub wou!

~Shela Monster

[senorduck]

Kragg, will you be my neighbor in GoF*ckyourselfVille?

Wow, nothing like trying something new to bring the trolls out.

[vivalahazy]

fuck Farmville, fuck cafe world and fuck all the shite that I hate on facebook

[HALO 32]

I finally blocked it since my family didn’t get the message after 40 requests that I didn’t wasn’t to play it...So now none of them even talk to me.

Not to mention this is coming from a family that mocks me because I’m not a big bad hunter like them.

[Kragg]

Wow, nothing like trying something new to bring the trolls out.

"Trying something new" is like delicious cake to them. They can't resist it.

[blackzc]

Wow, nothing like trying something new to bring the trolls out.

Id respond better to something a bit more positive and not so snarky. But thats whats in these days maybe i should shut the fuck and drink my damn lemon-aid.

[modeps]

Id respond better to something a bit more positive and not so snarky. But thats whats in these days maybe i should shut the fuck and drink my damn lemon-aid.

I do love a glass of ice cold lemonade. Sweet, sweet lemonade.

[lockwoodx]

If you end each article with "Seacrest out" then maybe more of your readers will be in touch with you.

[fndarkone]

Along with blocking it individually, I suggest that those of you using Firefox (with greasemonkey), chrome or safari to install facebook purity
http://steeev.freehostia.com/wp/2009/03/19/facebook_purity_cleans_up_the_facebook_homepage/

[Syl]

Along with blocking it individually, I suggest that those of you using Firefox (with greasemonkey), chrome or safari to install facebook purity
http://steeev.freehostia.com/wp/2009/03/19/facebook_purity_cleans_up_the_facebook_homepage/

Oh, thank you!

[Kragg]

If you end each article with "Seacrest out" then maybe more of your readers will be in touch with you.

Duly noted!

[n00bIEwaN007]

Alright, checked with the wife who has a Faceybook account and she does not farm...but still does not explain the sex thing, more research needed... ;o)

looking forward to the next one...

[SwitchBlade_Jax]

I'm all for posting opinions, trust me, been there, pissed those crowds off...

But I think you'll find if I gave you a nickel for every person who plays "----ville" vice a dollar for those who don't or hate it, you'd be buried in shiny things, with little paper on top.

~Shela Monster

Ok now not saying these numbers are correct but just doing a quick search on google to find world wide internet usage stats: 6.7 Billion people on Earth vs 1.7 Billion people using the internet.

The dollars win.

And anyone playing Farmville needs to have their computer shot and then given a copy of Harvest Moon so if they want to grow fake potatoes they can atleast do it with a real video game.

[ldi222]

Great post and I hope EA covers a lot more of this. Its a disservice to the "hardcore" gaming community not to study the hell out of this fb phenomenon and educate those who are naive. Ive found it curious that as a gamer I wouldnt touch a fb app with a ten foot needler but that's just by instinct because of the privacy concerns, but that's not to be said for how many percent of the people who just click accept to build their mafia.

[Anenome]

Casual + addicting is what these FB games are. Not that I've played them, but that seems to be the gist. It's like Windows Solitaire. People don't want something deep and time consuming. This may perhaps explain some of the Wii's popularity as it tends to games of the same sort.

Meanwhile true gamers are looking for something so immersive that you can completely suspend disbelief for a period of time. Few things are more pleasant than a damn good action RPG.

But for casual gamers, such a thing would be overwhelming. There's something decidedly childlike about this phenomena, about the depth of such games.

Although, these quick games may end up acting like gateway drugs for more hardcore gaming :P How long until someone makes a game specifically designed to appeal to players of Mafia Wars and Farmville and move them onto the DSi >_>

[Primus]

If you still have a facebook account you deserve this.

[Johan]

This is what I was getting at when I mentioned in another thread how sites like this one seem to me to be increasingly 'niche' sites in the overall gaming world. There's far more out there than gets discussed here (this thread, and the reaction to it, being an example), and that's perfectly fine (no site can be all-encompassing, after all), but it means the iceberg is much larger than the tip of it seen here.

I find this stuff interesting. I don't engage in it, but I find it fascinating. Gaming is expanding and evolving. Get used to it. The days of a small cadre of cacophonous voices directing the orchestra as they see fit are over. That's going to make gaming more vibrant and interesting, but it's going to piss off some very narrow-minded gamers.

[LilBunnyFuFu]

I do love a glass of ice cold lemonade. Sweet, sweet lemonade.

I LOL'd so hard it hurt!

[Anenome]

Hard-core gaming is now just a subset of the market.

It used to be the entire market, or the largest portion thereof. We now know that's not the case. HC is increasingly a minority. Let's hope the gaming we love only gets better and the proverb about things be ruined by being mainstreamed isn't yet again true.

Vivaldi vs Bach which is better. If you said 'Vivaldi' you are everything that's wrong with this world :P Yet, Vivaldi was popular in his day and Bach was virtually unknown. But Bach was almost an angelic incarnation by comparison. And Vivaldi achieved popularity by making his music simple and easy to understand. Bleugh.
In short, Bach = Mass Effect, Vivaldi = Farmville >_>

[Shela Monster]

Ok now not saying these numbers are correct but just doing a quick search on google to find world wide internet usage stats: 6.7 Billion people on Earth vs 1.7 Billion people using the internet.

The dollars win.

Don't be a complete turd...
My point is that among stupid little games like this (especially if they are free) you'll find more people that will try it and (maybe) like it rather than those that hate it.
But I think you'll find if I gave you a nickel for every person who plays "----ville" vice a dollar for those who don't or hate it, you'd be buried in shiny things, with little paper on top.
Obviously if they don't have the fucking internet, they WON'T play or could give a shit less...

That's like having a debate on here for number of LCD screens in households vs houses that don't have them. You OBVIOUSLY wouldn't count those who are not even eligible for the contrast...

Dear god, people get so pissy when it comes to opinions...
GROW UP

And stop dissecting my damn posts and playing with them...
^This is a fact

~Shela Monster

[ElfShotTheFood]

You know what's almost as annoying as Facebook?

~ signing posts.

[Anenome]

FarmVille
Active Users: 73,787,285 monthly active users

Dear lord. It's worse than WoW.

[Ulysses]

I'm sure some gamers from the 90s look at today and think the same, amusing thought.

[Shela Monster]

You know what's almost as annoying as Facebook?

~ signing posts.Even more annoying?
Tools that shot the damn food.

~Shela Monster

[Nazriel]

Hehe. Don't have anything to add other than I am looking forward to future articles, Kragg. :)

[pwnophobia]

Your articles suck.




Post more please.

[SnakeMGS135]

Your articles suck.




Post more please.

more please... their u happy, see what i did their see!

[pwnophobia]

more please... their u happy, see what i did their see!

I saw what you did there.

[SnakeMGS135]

I saw what you did there.

I am sick and tired leave me alone T__T

[Marticus]

it's been said, but you can block apps.

as per farmville, i'm sorry you have it, bitch about it somewhere else.

[Kragg]

it's been said, but you can block apps.

as per farmville, i'm sorry you have it, bitch about it somewhere else.

For the record, since I didn't mention it before, I've never played one of these "Ville" games before.

[Anenome]

Protest Farmville by playing the "Farmvile" game!!!!!! It allows you to attack people who send you mindless game announcements and requests, after it datamines your contacts to see who plays, then puts their actual user names in game. And, because we don't tell you that we're selling your contact info and user statistics, it's free!

[Marticus]

For the record, since I didn't mention it before, I've never played one of these "Ville" games before.

Sorry I didn't mean to accuse you of playing the game, I don't think I did.

[altaraxic]

these casual facebook games make the wii's waggle-ware look like the most hardcore games ever (pokemon g/s).

[blackzc]

I'm sure some gamers from the 90s look at today and think the same, amusing thought.


Think the same as what? Im a gamer from the 90s. And 80s..and 00s....;)

[Anenome]

The gamers of 1910 had -much- better graphics than our games today. They could even see the rock coming at like 10,000p resolution right before it smacked into their forehead :P

[Nazriel]

The gamers of 1910 had -much- better graphics than our games today. They could even see the rock coming at like 10,000p resolution right before it smacked into their forehead :P

Then there was always the jarring Reality-Infused© force feedback of a punch to the face or a kick in the gut.

Ahh... Those were the days they were.

[Anenome]

Then there was always the jarring Reality-Infused© force feedback of a punch to the face or a kick in the gut.

Ahh... Those were the days they were.
Yeah, the haptic interfaces they had back then were amazing ^_~

[blackzc]

Yeah, the haptic interfaces they had back then were amazing ^_~


Geez for some reason that reminds me of the days of finding that awsome stick that you could use as a sword/donatello staff in a sword/donatello staff fight with your friends, ahhh busted knuckles, very realistic.


Do kids still sword fight with sticks?

[Kragg]

Sorry I didn't mean to accuse you of playing the game, I don't think I did.

np. no offense taken. :)

[Nazriel]

Geez for some reason that reminds me of the days of finding that awsome stick that you could use as a sword/donatello staff in a sword/donatello staff fight with your friends, ahhh busted knuckles, very realistic.


Do kids still sword fight with sticks?

As long as they are allowed out of the house and out of sight of overprotective parents, then yes, it is safe to say kids will remain no different than all who came before them in that regard, and still play fight. :)

[Anenome]

Geez for some reason that reminds me of the days of finding that awsome stick that you could use as a sword/donatello staff in a sword/donatello staff fight with your friends, ahhh busted knuckles, very realistic.


Do kids still sword fight with sticks?
Of course! We'd pick up a stick and call it sword and it was game on!

[senorduck]

Hehe. Don't have anything to add other than I am looking forward to future articles, Kragg. :)

Second-ed.

[pwnophobia]

My mother just updated her facebook status and I have only Kragg to thank*.

is giving up farming. I've maxed out in both Farmville and FarmTown and decided that both games are taking up way too much time that could be put to better use.

*(not really, but we'll pretend like Ben was the reason.)

[Anenome]

Lol, nice Pwn ^_^

[ruumis]

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/143429/farmville.png

[ruumis]

http://www.blogcdn.com/www.joystiq.com/media/2010/01/gamfarmvillesadness580.jpg (http://www.joystiq.com/2010/01/22/dr-phil-lays-the-verbal-smackdown-on-a-farmville-addict/)

[Emabulator]

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/143429/farmville.pngThere's probably an app for that, but who needs it when you have Kragg's anti-Farmville battering ram. :D